Congratulations! You have AIDS!

(NOTE: This is what it's like inside my mind. I am about to describe three different threads of thought. Eventually, they will merge beautifully, just give it a minute.)

Thread 1: I've been thinking about my Granny lately. I love my Granny. She lived in a house with four dead-bolts on its front door, each having a different key. She was also always concerned that someone would put a potato in the tail-pipe of her car and would check, or have someone else check in later days, for such obstructions before putting her key in the ignition. 

The whole of our family is prone to paranoia, partly because we come from hill people (meaning, our ancestors married their cousins, which combination of close-set DNA manifests itself in either mental/emotional instability and/or physical deformities--i.e. sixth toes; thankfully, it appears to only be the former which is the case in our family); also, partly because the world is full of sick, sick people. It's probably more due to the latter that any terrifying story we hear or read via chain-letter-type e-mail is taken--if not seriously--under advisement. Because folks are crazy and I wouldn't put much past them. Also, 'cause better safe than a sorry chump.

I remember when I was in elementary school, Granny (or maybe it was my favorite Aunt Sandy who reads this blog) told my Mom about how some people were putting AIDS-infected needles in movie theater seats with notes that said something like, "Congratulations! You have AIDS!". Read more about that here.

Thread 2: For a long time I've had this dream. A dream where I would master the art of pick-pocketing--MASTER IT--and then become a pick-pocketing agent for good. Until this guy stole my idea.

But that's how it would've gone down, see? I would have targeted people who looked down-on-their-luck, though, using my superior deductive reasoning skills. But I guess it was not to be; 'cause this dude had to go and steal my purloining thunder.

Thread 3: I've also been thinking about this whole anti-vaccine thing that's become a veritable pandemic in our country as of late. In case you were raised by wolves under a rock and have just emerged for your Rumspringa here amongst humanity, educate yourself with this video:

Anyways, there's this whole thing about anti-vaccine parents wanting schools to let their children enroll without the proper immunizations. I will say this: while it is your right to decide whether or not to vaccinate your child--no one else, especially the government, should have any say in the matter whatsoever--it should be a school's right to refuse to let you enroll your child. It's just negligence, I feel; but if you want to go that route, go for it. Just don't try to force the possible dangers (for lack of a better word) onto the rest of us who have to have contact with your kids.

This is where all the worlds collide:

It occurred to me this morning that I should put syringes filled with vaccines in movie theater seats, accompanied by notes that say, "Congratulations! You're immune to MEASLES!"

Of course now that I'm posting this on the interweb, the initiative is not quite as untraceable as I would like; but it would combine my need to enforce vigilante justice with my desire to do good anonymously by means originally intended for harm.