Congratulations! You have AIDS!

(NOTE: This is what it's like inside my mind. I am about to describe three different threads of thought. Eventually, they will merge beautifully, just give it a minute.)

Thread 1: I've been thinking about my Granny lately. I love my Granny. She lived in a house with four dead-bolts on its front door, each having a different key. She was also always concerned that someone would put a potato in the tail-pipe of her car and would check, or have someone else check in later days, for such obstructions before putting her key in the ignition. 

The whole of our family is prone to paranoia, partly because we come from hill people (meaning, our ancestors married their cousins, which combination of close-set DNA manifests itself in either mental/emotional instability and/or physical deformities--i.e. sixth toes; thankfully, it appears to only be the former which is the case in our family); also, partly because the world is full of sick, sick people. It's probably more due to the latter that any terrifying story we hear or read via chain-letter-type e-mail is taken--if not seriously--under advisement. Because folks are crazy and I wouldn't put much past them. Also, 'cause better safe than a sorry chump.

I remember when I was in elementary school, Granny (or maybe it was my favorite Aunt Sandy who reads this blog) told my Mom about how some people were putting AIDS-infected needles in movie theater seats with notes that said something like, "Congratulations! You have AIDS!". Read more about that here.

Thread 2: For a long time I've had this dream. A dream where I would master the art of pick-pocketing--MASTER IT--and then become a pick-pocketing agent for good. Until this guy stole my idea.

But that's how it would've gone down, see? I would have targeted people who looked down-on-their-luck, though, using my superior deductive reasoning skills. But I guess it was not to be; 'cause this dude had to go and steal my purloining thunder.

Thread 3: I've also been thinking about this whole anti-vaccine thing that's become a veritable pandemic in our country as of late. In case you were raised by wolves under a rock and have just emerged for your Rumspringa here amongst humanity, educate yourself with this video:

Anyways, there's this whole thing about anti-vaccine parents wanting schools to let their children enroll without the proper immunizations. I will say this: while it is your right to decide whether or not to vaccinate your child--no one else, especially the government, should have any say in the matter whatsoever--it should be a school's right to refuse to let you enroll your child. It's just negligence, I feel; but if you want to go that route, go for it. Just don't try to force the possible dangers (for lack of a better word) onto the rest of us who have to have contact with your kids.

This is where all the worlds collide:

It occurred to me this morning that I should put syringes filled with vaccines in movie theater seats, accompanied by notes that say, "Congratulations! You're immune to MEASLES!"

Of course now that I'm posting this on the interweb, the initiative is not quite as untraceable as I would like; but it would combine my need to enforce vigilante justice with my desire to do good anonymously by means originally intended for harm.

Why They Would Have Gotten Away With It...

I watched an episode* from the first season of Scooby Doo this week.

 In this particular episode, we find Scooby and the gang on their way to Franken Castle (the only castle ever transported stone-by-stone from Transylvania, don't cha know), when they decide to stop off and have their fortunes told by a gypsy woman who happens to have set up shop on the side of the road. She foretells their doom should they go to the castle.

 Being that fortune-telling is all nonsense anyways, the kids continue on their way and arrive at the castle, where they are met by Dracula, Frankenstein's monster, and the Wolfman (in that order).

Obviously something is going on at Franken Castle, so the gang investigates. Somehow during the hijinks and clue-gathering, Daphne (as Daphne is wont to do) ends up in the dungeon, where she happens upon a message written in 1668, which reads: "I've fooled them all, I may perish, but I'll be as rich as KING TUT!" (The awful punctuation almost killed me to write; but that's what it looks like in the episode; and I am nothing if not accurate).

This clue leads the gang inexorably to the Franken family crypt, where they are able to find more clues, all of which point to-- who else?-- the gypsy woman. The rest of the episode is pretty pat: they pay another visit to the gypsy, discover more damning evidence linking her to the castle/crime scene; she makes a break for it; Scooby gives chase and apprehends her just in time for local law enforcement to arrive and finger the gypsy woman as Big Bob Oakley, aka "The Actor", wanted in seven states. Big Bob and the evidence is taken into custody and the gang celebrates nailing that perp with a picnic supper on the castle grounds.

I actually had to re-watch this episode to figure out how they figured it out. Not because it was a fast-paced, penetratingly observant deductive process, but because I was stuck on the message that Daphne found etched into the dungeon wall.

Let me take you through my process:

King Tutankhamun only ruled for nine years before dying mysteriously, leaving no heirs. He was a minor pharaoh. So minor, in fact, that, after he died, everyone forgot about him until Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon discovered his largely untouched tomb in the 1920's. 

The reason Tut is so famous nowadays, ironically, is because he was so un-famous in his own day; because he was mostly forgotten until the early 20th century, no one thought to rob his tomb, leaving it almost perfectly intact for Carter and his team to discover. King Tut's tomb was really the first tomb of an ancient Egyptian king that was discovered by archeologists before it was discovered by grave-robbers, giving modern researchers their first glimpse into what kind of treasure these people were buried with (if they were important people).

My point? NO ONE would have known about King Tut in the 17th century-- no one. And if they did, they certainly wouldn't have referred to him as "King Tut" instead of King Tutankhamun.

I immediately deemed that clue as fake; a pitifully concocted piece of evidence to throw people off the criminal's (or criminals') real scent. 

Fred and the rest of gang were able to take the message, a few precious gemstones, and a golden earring (not to be confused with any of these guys)...

 ...and connect it back to a hardened criminal on the lam, then bring said criminal to justice-- all within the last fifteen minutes of the episode. 

Big Bob didn't get away with it, thanks to those meddling kids.

Now for the tragic part of this post:

If I had been working that case, I would have never bagged Big Bob Oakley and he would probably still be at large. He would have gotten away with it because I'm not a meddling kid. 

I could never be an ace sleuth because I get caught up in the minutia of whether or not a clue can be considered a clue if it's historically inaccurate. 

And also because I watch syndicated animated television shows from over 40 years ago while real crimes are being committed.

*If you're interested (and I know you are) the full episode can be found here.