I've Seen Things

I've seen things.

Then again, I live a short commute away from a Wal-mart.

This Saturday, after I got off work, I went there to pick up a few things. I was only there for about fifteen minutes (Wal-mart is one of those stores where it's better to strike quickly and with purpose so as to avoid being maimed, either physically or psychologically).

I had already collected an assortment of snack foods, a bag of flour, and a bottle of baby oil and was on my way to the Health and Beauty section to grab some conditioner. That's when I saw her.

She was about 5'3", 40-45 years old, Hispanic, and pushing a grocery cart. She was dressed in nondescript, neutral clothing and on her left shoulder was a medium-sized bright green bird of tropical origin. A LIVE bird. I instinctively did a double take and had to struggle for a few seconds against my reflexive desire to pull out my phone to take a picture.

But the moment passed and I found myself still conditioner-less, so I powered on.

Then came the self-checkout. Here, I feel obliged to go over some basic Wal-mart etiquette, if such a thing exists. The self-checkout is NOT for you if you:

(A) Have one or more completely full grocery carts.

(B) Are technologically or otherwise illiterate.

(C) Don't speak English.

(D) Just don't want to participate in the human interface inextricably connected to a check-out experience with a regular cashier.

I have seen every single one of these every single time I have gone to the self-checkout. Self-checkout is for those of us with Cheetos and Oreos who just want to make it back to our loved ones before the end of our natural lives.

But I suppose Wal-mart wouldn't be Wal-mart without Latina pirates and reasonable check-outs.