Congratulations! You have AIDS!

(NOTE: This is what it's like inside my mind. I am about to describe three different threads of thought. Eventually, they will merge beautifully, just give it a minute.)

Thread 1: I've been thinking about my Granny lately. I love my Granny. She lived in a house with four dead-bolts on its front door, each having a different key. She was also always concerned that someone would put a potato in the tail-pipe of her car and would check, or have someone else check in later days, for such obstructions before putting her key in the ignition. 

The whole of our family is prone to paranoia, partly because we come from hill people (meaning, our ancestors married their cousins, which combination of close-set DNA manifests itself in either mental/emotional instability and/or physical deformities--i.e. sixth toes; thankfully, it appears to only be the former which is the case in our family); also, partly because the world is full of sick, sick people. It's probably more due to the latter that any terrifying story we hear or read via chain-letter-type e-mail is taken--if not seriously--under advisement. Because folks are crazy and I wouldn't put much past them. Also, 'cause better safe than a sorry chump.

I remember when I was in elementary school, Granny (or maybe it was my favorite Aunt Sandy who reads this blog) told my Mom about how some people were putting AIDS-infected needles in movie theater seats with notes that said something like, "Congratulations! You have AIDS!". Read more about that here.

Thread 2: For a long time I've had this dream. A dream where I would master the art of pick-pocketing--MASTER IT--and then become a pick-pocketing agent for good. Until this guy stole my idea.

But that's how it would've gone down, see? I would have targeted people who looked down-on-their-luck, though, using my superior deductive reasoning skills. But I guess it was not to be; 'cause this dude had to go and steal my purloining thunder.

Thread 3: I've also been thinking about this whole anti-vaccine thing that's become a veritable pandemic in our country as of late. In case you were raised by wolves under a rock and have just emerged for your Rumspringa here amongst humanity, educate yourself with this video:

Anyways, there's this whole thing about anti-vaccine parents wanting schools to let their children enroll without the proper immunizations. I will say this: while it is your right to decide whether or not to vaccinate your child--no one else, especially the government, should have any say in the matter whatsoever--it should be a school's right to refuse to let you enroll your child. It's just negligence, I feel; but if you want to go that route, go for it. Just don't try to force the possible dangers (for lack of a better word) onto the rest of us who have to have contact with your kids.

This is where all the worlds collide:

It occurred to me this morning that I should put syringes filled with vaccines in movie theater seats, accompanied by notes that say, "Congratulations! You're immune to MEASLES!"

Of course now that I'm posting this on the interweb, the initiative is not quite as untraceable as I would like; but it would combine my need to enforce vigilante justice with my desire to do good anonymously by means originally intended for harm.

Back in the Saddle

It's been months since my last post. The main reason I started this blog was to start writing regularly again; hence the fact that the number one item on my imaginary Manifesto is that I was going to write at least one post every week. That was before two months ago. Before my Mac battery finally decided to go belly-up. Before I bought a new battery and took my laptop apart to replace the old one. Before I realized that it wasn't that the battery had given up on itself, but that my charger was no longer willing to live. Before I realized that a replacement cable would cost at least $70. Which all occurred before I remembered-- I'm poor. I'm determined to resurrect the thing at some point because the first few chapters of my unfinished novel are still on the hard-drive, along with some patterns for my old lady pastimes. 

Meanwhile, as Lazarus keeps, it is nigh impossible to get the use of a laptop around here. Though, now that my brother is home from his mission, my mother doesn't need to monopolize the Dell writing him an e-mail every Sunday night so he'll have something to read on his P-day.

During the past couple of months, I have continued to jot down my thoughts as I always do; thoughts that I might be able to turn into entire blog posts. These are the rejects-- not because of their not being compelling, thought-provoking ideas; but because they are perfectly pithy and I would be hard-pressed to milk an entire post out of them singly. So here they are compiled into a delightful list, for your perusing pleasure.


1. Everything that has ever purported to be red velvet has invariably ended up being a farce. You know what I'm talkin' about: doughnuts, pancakes, milkshakes, Rice Krispies™ treats, soap--it all ends in heartbreak. Why do I keep getting reeled in?!

2. I have a hard time laughing out loud at something when I'm alone. In my mind, you laugh to let other people know you're amused.



3. I've heard Style at least three times today. Also, there's all this buzz about Taylor Swift's newest album and how it's such a departure from her flavor heretofore. I just want to state, for the record, that Taylor Swift was never country. Ever. When she first started out, the music she sang to was slightly more country-esque in that it had twangy guitars; now her music is more pop-y, dancing-at-the-club sounding. The music in her songs is really just a background to a narrative of her latest failed relationship anyways. But you know I crank that biz up when it comes on the radio, just like any normal person.



4. I like Peggy Carter; she's smart, capable, strong, and she doesn't need to burn her bra to be good at her job. But the harsh reality of the matter is that Steve Rogers would've been friend-zoned forever if he hadn't gotten hot as a result of the super soldier serum. A kind, decent 5'1" man is still a 5'1" man. Call me shallow if you like, but physical appearance does play a fairly prominent role in attractiveness.

5. I love the smell of new leather and how it spreads itself ubiquitously throughout whatever space it finds itself in.


6.Those friends you follow on Facebook and Instagram who instantaneously have a bazillion likes right after they post ANYTHING-- my like is insignificant. I refuse. Would you even notice? This is obviously at least somewhat rooted in my latent inferiority complex.


7. Baths make me feel dirty. Like, grimy, disgusting, hanging-out-in-my-own-filth-liquified.



8. I thought Sam Smith was black for the longest time. 

      

   He's just so soulful. Then again, so is Michael Bolton...

9. As a frequent (read "compulsive") online shopper, this scenario plays out dozens of times a month for me: UPS tracking says my package has been in Orlando since 6:30 AM; but won't be delivered to me until tomorrow. Is there any legal  issue preventing me from driving to the company's distribution center, a mere hour away, to get my package? I mean, technically, it is my property. I feel that the law would be on my side in this instance. You know, if I decided to do it.



10. I am a lover of orange Tic Tacs. They do absolutely nothing to freshen your breath, but are quite tasty.



11. To wear a bow tie without looking like Peewee Herman presents a high degree of difficulty.

Can you imagine being a hipster and getting that chestnut in your fortune cookie? Debilitating.

12. When I eat waffles, each square must be filled with syrup, especially if they are Belgian.


13. Mounted weapons are never loaded, and very hard to remove from their mountings. Murders/defenses with mounted swords or guns are just a whimsical farce promulgated and perpetuated by movies and television at least as far back as the 1930's.

14. Bangers and mash sounds like the names of a couple of Bond girl villains (in the tradition of Bambi and Thumper); but could also, possibly, be the names of  a tag-team wrestling duo.

15. Unnecessary things: Ovaltine hot instructions; complicated e-mail addresses (I'm lookin' at you, ckriystallelipz4871@sky.net (she says her name is pronounced "Crystal")); Obama in the public sphere. Or making decisions that affect anybody at all. If, in the name of protecting children, CPA can take someone's kids just because they let them play outside, they should've already confiscated that man's kids. Just sayin'.

16. I forget that New Hampshire is a state. Until a SNHU commercial comes on t.v.