Saturday, December 27, 2014

Clueless

I have a cold. Not a serious cold; but I can't really taste anything unless I'm on Day-quil. It started as a scratchy throat two days before Christmas and by the time I woke up at zero hour, my nose was stuffy and runny. Which sucked because we were making really delicious Christmas feast-type food. I took some cold medicine as soon as I woke up but still wasn't able to fully enjoy our traditional orange roll breakfast.

 After I had half-enjoyed my Christmas linner (the lunch/dinner equivalent of brunch), my Dad (who is also sick) and I commiserated about missing the full flavor of such a tasty meal. He mentioned having read something about some indigenous tribe of people, maybe in Australia, who are all born without their sense of taste, which sounded vaguely familiar to me. I haven't been able to find anything about the Aborigines, but apparently being born without a sense of smell is a thing. 

It's called congenital anosmia, and, as anyone who has ever had a cold or allergies can tell you, when your olfactory senses are messed up, not only can you not smell but you can't taste much of anything either.

I thought about this on my way to work this morning as I was following someone who wanted to do 40 in a 55. Every speed limit sign we passed, I kept hoping they would notice that the speed that they were allowed to go and the speed that they were going was vastly different. It, of course, never happened. I felt a wave of relief and joy wash over me when Dale Earnhardt finally turned off the otherwise deserted road onto a small side street.

As some people are born without the ability to smell or taste, some people are just born clueless. 
 
 
 

It's like those people who want the minimum wage to be increased to $15 an hour. Okay, that would give you more buying power for about a week. But in order to pay you, the employee, more money, McDonald's would have to charge, like, $20 for a Big Mac. They have to get that money from somewhere; the cost gets passed directly to you, the consumer. And that, my child, is called inflation. Even someone with a rudimentary understanding of economics, like myself, can tell you that. 

I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but here goes:

If you want to be paid more money, develop a proficiency for something other than the highly specialized skill of flipping burgers. Go. Act. Do! Do something that will make you worth more money. Get more training in your field; get more experience; develop more skills; get more education-- all of these options give you more marketability in the job realm. 

Look, I know things are rough right now in the economy. Most of us are extremely lucky to have any job at all. But things won't be this bad forever (fingers crossed; come 2016 DON'T vote Clinton), and you have to look at where you want to be career-wise in five or even ten years; unless you still want to be making minimum wage a decade from now. If that's the case, carry on with your fry-cooking.

But, if you want to make more money, put forth the time and effort necessary to merit more pay. In a world that will largely pay you what it thinks you're worth, you can't afford not to.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Yeah, me neither.

Do you know what it's like to have a live body stuffed into a duffle bag lying on the floor of the back seat of your truck? 

Every so often, you can hear scuffling as it comes to--still disoriented from a night sleeping in the bag in one of the tubs in your house-- and tries to escape the stuffy confines of the canvas. You wonder, for a split second, if it will be able to gnaw a hole in the bag, then remember that its mouth is duct-taped shut. You wonder what would happen if you were to be pulled over by a law enforcement officer.

You muse over how easy it is to become involved in these kinds of things. All it takes is one connection. You reason that this will be the one and only time you will do this type of favor.

When you arrive at your destination, you look around, confused; this is the first time you've done something like this and aren't sure where exactly to drop the body. There are people expecting you of course, but you're not sure where they are. At length, you come upon them; two people who deal in this sort of business. They look at you amiably, yet there's also a hint of wariness in their gaze as they take note of you, a stranger-- until you explain that you have a delivery. 

No money changes hands; not today. One of them takes the bag and it's occupant with a "Have a good day!" and you go just across the way to your desk job, innocent passersby none the wiser to what just transpired, and no one able to trace the hand-off back to you.

Yeah, me neither. Until this morning. 

But don't worry; I had all the proper licensing. 

Also important to note: I work at a wildlife park (at the reservations desk) where my sister who also works (but more with the animals) sometimes takes baby gators for off-site demonstrations and keeps them overnight. 

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Ode to Christmas


I have learned two things from my sojourn here on this planet called earth: (1) Nothing can put me in a Christmas-y mood as quickly as Nat King Cole singing "The Christmas Song"; and, (2) With pizza on a bagel, you can eat pizza any time.

Friday, November 28, 2014

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, Baby

During my sophomore year of college I was taking an online Lit class in which I had to do a lot of writing. One of the papers I wrote was about a piece we had just finished reading titled The Coquette. I was pretty happy with what I had done and it's pretty rare that I get lower than an A on a written assignment because I am an English major.

That being the case, when I get my graded papers back, I usually just look at the grade and skim the teacher's comments to make sure I didn't make any silly mistakes. I got an A on this particular paper, so I proceeded to the comments when my eyes fell on one.

I had made a comment about In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, because what other parallel can you draw to a short novel about the imperialism of Great Britain still prevalent in Americans' lives in the 18th century?

The comment read: "The correct title of the song is "In the Garden of Eden".

I was shocked. Also disgusted.

I wasn't referring to some lame cover, or even talking about the stories about how the song came by it's name. I was talkin' original, Iron Butterfly version. I couldn't believe then, and have a hard time fathoming now, that my professor wasn't familiar enough with this song to know the difference.

In my mind's eye (because, being an online course, any encounter we had happened in my mind), my professor had at least been old enough in the late '60's to know about such things; that was her generation! Or should have been, had she really been what I imagined.

Still, come on! I was born in the '90's and I know about it. It was only rated the 24th greatest rock song of all time by VH1 in 2009. Between that and the wicked drum solo, how can you not know about it?

But I guess some people are just raised differently. And by differently, I mean wrong. My professor should be ashamed of herself. And her family.

For those of you who are interested and/or familiar with both The Coquette and In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida--i.e., those who were raised right-- I've posted my paper here.

"Grow up, Eliza!"



13 February 2011

I
watched a show on TLC today about wedding dresses and the girls who buy them. On this particular episode, the camera crew was in the alterations department to document a nervous bride’s first dress fitting. This bride wasn’t so much anxious about the big day as she was about the tent-like fit of her gown; pretty common fare for ladies about to take the long walk down the aisle, I’m told. When she decided on that dress, based on a sample gown she tried on during a previous shopping trip, the people in charge of such things advised her, normally a size four, to order the dress in a size twenty. The reason? This bride was pregnant. Six months pregnant at the time of her first dress fitting, to be more precise. Watching her walk down the aisle at the end of the episode, dress altered per her specifications, I couldn’t help but shake my head and yell to the screen, “You shouldn’t have got knocked up before you were married!” I realize that in this day and age, according to society, it’s not such a big deal for your groom to have to climb over your stomach to kiss you when the minister gives the okay. Heck, it’s not even that big a deal to never get married; instead, opting to be some guy’s “woman” and share his house and his VW van and have his babies, all the while working together to grow your own food. (If In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida isn’t playing in your head right now as you imagine the montage of Phil and Rainbow’s life together, I haven’t done my job.)

While I don’t support such things as cohabitation and premarital sex, society as a whole tends to care less these days. What is considered “appropriate” or “acceptable” or “decent” isn’t the same today as it was ten or twenty years ago; in fact, these terms all seem to be quite fluid. In my twisted mind, as my mind always ties everything I encounter in the real world back into literary issues, I thought about Hannah Webster Foster’s Eliza Wharton and how the coquette would stack up in today’s world. While Eliza probably wouldn’t have died an ignominious death if she were impregnated by her married lover today, I kept coming back to my initial reaction that she probably wouldn’t have been happy, either. I am confident that Eliza brings her horrible predicament upon herself through her naïveté and immaturity, making said predicament all the more tragic.

On first reading The Coquette, Eliza seems like a fun-loving gal who just wants to after the fortuitous death of her much-older, well-respected, long-time fiancé,
Mr. Haly. She is, in her own words, “[n]aturally cheerful, volatile, and unreflecting” and wants nothing more than to mix “in the busy scenes and active pleasures of life” (Foster, 808). If we were choosing literary characters to hang out with in a social setting, I would be the first to pick Eliza Wharton for my team. She’s witty, energetic, and by all accounts, a fun girl. That being said, I would also probably be the first one to tell her to reign in her volatility where interpersonal relationships are concerned. “Grow up, Eliza!” I can picture myself saying.

In looking back on the events leading up to her tragic, yet predictable demise, it’s fairly easy to see where she went wrong. Most critics read the novel and cast Eliza as a proto-feminist, at odds with the antiquated ideals of her family members and friends and a “powerful champion of personal freedom” (Korobkin). I read it and thought she was immature, which is really the festering sore from which all of her other problems stem.
Take, for example, a scene described in Letter III: Eliza, with the Richmans, attends a party at Col. Farington’s. After dinner, all the guests go for a walk in the garden. Eliza walks a little distance away from everyone and is followed by Mrs. Laiton, who takes the opportunity to offer her condolences at the passing of Eliza’s fiancé, Mr. Haly. Eliza proceeds to cop an attitude and throw a silent hissy fit
(Foster, 809 ). Don’t remember this scene? That’s probably because Eliza is the one describing it in the novel. It’s easy to side with the narrator, or in this case, the letter-writer; a reason I think most people mistake Eliza’s spirited “sense of entitlement” for freedom-loving and patriotic early feminism (Korobkin). When you do take the time to step back and evaluate the situation as an impartial observer, a few things come into focus: As an acquaintance, Mrs. Laiton has no reason to know either that Eliza had no warm feelings for Mr. Haly or that she would not welcome condolence at the loss of a presumed loved one. Mrs. Laiton's expression of sympathy, which she waits to deliver until Eliza is walking alone, is not necessarily inappropriate or empty, nor is it clearly critical of Eliza” (Korobkin).
Eliza seems to make it a practice to run from responsibility, and fly off the handle when others mention it. But she’s not purely selfish and self-serving; if she were, we as readers would catch on pretty quickly and take an instant dislike to her, which isn’t the case. Along with her Peter Pan-like desire to avoid responsibility like the plague, there also seems to be an element of uncertainty underlying all of Eliza’s actions. She is a woman torn; torn between what she knows she should do (what her family and friends advise her to do) and her desire to do what she feels like (whatever vague or sudden inclinations her volatile disposition points her towards).

According to Laura Korobkin, modern readers tend to read Eliza’s materialism and preoccupation with hilarity and frivolous social pursuits as forward-thinking, glossing over “her hostility toward anything that interrupts her fun or smacks even minimally of middle-class adult responsibility” (Korobkin).
Representative of these two conflicting ideas are her two most ardent suitors, Mr. Boyer and Peter Sanford, and each has his pros and cons; hence the indecision. Marrying
Boyer would create the stable, dependable, and respectable life Eliza’s reason tells her she should want. But her materialistic, social-climbing self doesn’t see much insinuation into the glamorous upper echelons of society that she craves if she marries Rev. Boyer. Eliza is the daughter of a country minister herself, so an alliance with a man of the cloth wouldn’t be much of a step up for her. Peter on the other hand, is handsome and fun-loving. But he is a known rake which pretty much puts to bed (literally) most chances of having a respectable relationship (i.e. marriage) with him. Eliza’s indecision about these two suitors is the first tragically fatal mistake, stemming from her immaturity, that she makes.
Practically the entire first half of the novel is composed of her bouncing back and forth between Boyer and Sanford. In one letter, she’s decided to give up Sanford and cultivate her relationship with Boyer and in the next, she’s writing her girlfriend that “‟a reformed rake makes the best husband‟” (Foster, 835). Things finally reach a climax when Boyer, tired of being treated like a yo-yo, gives Eliza a deadline to give him a straight answer about their finally being engaged. On the day she is to give Boyer an answer, he finds her alone in her mother’s garden with Sanford and breaks off their relationship on the spot. After he’s gone, Eliza is sent into a profound melancholy because she realizes that she really did want to marry him. She laments to Lucy Sumner: “we know not the value of a blessing but by deprivation”(Letter XLIV). Eliza finally writes Boyer, offering herself to him as a wife, but he has already become engaged to another girl. This sends Eliza further into a spiraling depression. Ironically, one of the things that kept Eliza during their courtship was that she imagined a life with Boyer would be “dreary and confining” (Korobkin). But after she realizes she can’t have him, she becomes depressed and confines herself, mostly to her mother’s house. She no longer takes pleasure in parties or and it’s like pulling teeth to get her to talk to anyone. Up until Boyer dumped her, everyone thought that he and Eliza really were engaged. Being jilted by Boyer, therefore, somehow makes Eliza damaged goods. Apparently, because of some unwritten rule, and through mutual nonverbal agreement, all of the many admirers Eliza was “pestered with” at the beginning of the novel have all made themselves scarce now (Foster, 811).
All of these factors contribute to Eliza’s emotional and psychological condition at the end of the novel. Eliza just can’t pull herself out of her depression. She wants to feel like her old self, but she doesn’t know how, so she begins grasping at straws. Sanford is the one person who makes her feel like she’s still Eliza, that girl who was “the toast of the country”, the one who everyone wanted to be around (815). Naively, she lets him insinuate himself into her life again, a recurring theme in the plot. Her immaturity causes her to play right into Sanford’s hands.
Throughout the novel, Sanford says whatever he thinks she wants to hear and does whatever he thinks he needs to do to seduce her. He keeps coming to Eliza and trying to redefine their relationship because the seduction takes longer than he thought it should. Edison only needed one way to make a light bulb, right? If one way doesn’t work, abandon it and try another. This pattern keeps repeating itself throughout the entire novel: Eliza lets Sanford in a little, and then because of advice from friends she holds him at arms’ length. Then he comes to her and says he wants to redefine their relationship (i.e. to get serious, to just be friends, to be close friends, like siblings) so she lets him in a little more. But, more advice from friends persuades Eliza to be wary of him. While she does occasionally try to distance herself from the rake, Eliza can never seem to fully disentangle herself from Sanford. In Letter X, she says, “his assiduity was painful to me; yet I found it impossible to disengage myself a moment from him .” In Letter XIX, “My heart did not approve his sentiments, but my ear was charmed with his rhetoric, and my fancy captivated by his address.” Eliza’s immaturity, once again, aids and abets her downfall. She suffers from bad-boy syndrome, a malady common to females. She knows she shouldn’t like Sanford or have anything to do with him because he is a known rake. But that knowledge just adds a rush of adrenaline to her system every time she sees him and every time he talks to her. There’s probably also a little piece of her that thinks Sanford really will change for her, and become a reformed rake.
After Boyer breaks off their relationship (part of Sanford’s twelve-step seduction plot), Eliza turns to Sanford, who has reappeared, married, and with pretensions of being like a brother to Eliza. Elizabeth Dill in her “A Mob of Lusty Villagers” submits that this is part of a deeper, more sick and twisted psychological issue of incest, and apparently there are other people in this incest camp as well. I’m not saying that incest wasn’t on Hannah Webster Foster’s mind when she wrote The Coquette, but to me, that seems like a bit of a stretch. I think Sanford is just trying to lull Eliza into a false sense of security while he tries to insinuate himself further into her life and figure out his next move.
When she finally is seduced by Sanford, I think it’s because Eliza wants to be the old Eliza again so badly that she starts grabbing at any semblance of her old life, any vestige of herself. That, unfortunately, means Sanford and his attentions. Eliza learns too late that he is, both literally and figuratively, an empty shell of what he appears or professes to be. He’s not really rich and he’s just a lech, though he does in his own sick, perverse way love her.
Eliza is repeatedly described as “volatile”, and her volatility, I believe, is a by-product of her immaturity. Korobkin notes: “Chemically, a substance that was volatile showed a readiness to vaporize or evaporate, [a] tendency to be readily diffused or dissipated in the atmosphere, especially at ordinary temperatures‟ (OED); by analogy, a character similarly constituted has no independent central core holding it together, but dissipates itself through social interactions.” Had Eliza not invested herself so fully in superficial and inconsequential pastimes, perhaps she would have been able to be more serious or at least give more thought to serious subjects, like her relationships. She would have been more able to make an accurate appraisal of herself and her long-term goals and aspirations, and thus have realized before it was too late (1) that she wanted to marry Boyer, and (2) that Sanford was a rake and everything he supposedly had to offer her wasn’t enough to make her happy.
In the end, Eliza goes into self-imposed exile, leaving her mother a letter of apology and asking for her forgiveness. She gives birth to a baby who dies and shortly thereafter dies herself. All of this could have been avoided if she had reigned in her materialistic desires; if she had taken the time to make an accurate appraisal of herself and her real feelings and desires; if she had severed all ties with Sanford immediately upon hearing of his reputation; if she had realized that he hadn’t changed and was never going to change; in short, by simply being a little more mature. While I have no doubt that Eliza’s terrible, embarrassing end predicament would be substantially less so in today’s culture, I’m also fairly certain that her outrageous level of immaturity would prove to make her just as miserable carrying her married lover’s baby.

Works Cited
Dill, Elizabeth. “A Mob of Lusty Villagers: Operations of Domestic Desires in Hannah
Webster Foster's The Coquette.” Eighteenth Century Fiction 15.2 (2003):
255-280. Wilson Web. Web. 8 Mar. 2011.
Foster, Hannah Webster. “The Coquette; or, The History of Eliza Wharton. A Novel.
Founded on Fact. By a Lady of Massachusetts.” The Norton Anthology of American Literature: Vol. A. Ed. Nina Baym. 7th ed. New York: W. W. Norton & Company. 2007. 807-904. Print.
Korobkin, Laura H. “Can Your Volatile Daughter Ever Acquire Your Wisdom?” Luxury and False Ideas in The Coquette.” Early American Literature 41.1 (2006): 79-107. Wilson Web. Web. 8 Mar. 2011.

Trends That I'm (Almost) Violently Opposed To...

...But Which Look Pretty Cute on Babies

I believe most of you are familiar with this post. This is a follow-up post. Which is not happening because I promised myself I would write at least one blog post a week and am currently two posts behind.

Rompers

Don't put this:

on your body.


Put it on your baby instead:


Infinitely cuter. And an easy diaper change when the time comes; which it invariably will.


Overalls

Not this:


Or this:

 
This:


Or even this:


Leggings As Pants

I didn't mention this one in my original post, but I should have. LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. I get it-- they're easy and comfortable. But, ladies--please, I implore you-- let's be mindful of the length of the tops we're wearing with them. It should be more on the tunic-y side and at least cover your butt. If not, it's supremely trashy.

So unless you want to look like this:


Or this:

Hello, Camel-toe!

Don't do it. 
Unless you look like this:



Because it's not a big deal if people can see your diaper.

While we're on the subject, 

these are leggings:
 
These are not:
legwarmers

So, in closing: do not ever, ever, ever, like, EVER put any of these articles of clothing on your own body, unless you want to look trashy or take longer going to the bathroom; you may, however, put them on your baby; leggings are not pants and legwarmers are not leggings. 

Stay classy, my friends.

Monday, November 10, 2014

You Have to Be One Sick Puppy

For some reason I've been thinking a lot about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang recently. It's probably because I've always wanted a name like Truly Scrumptious, even though Truly Scrumptious could just as easily be a stripper or a Bond villain; which makes sense because the guy who wrote Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is the same guy who wrote the James Bond novels.

While I love this movie and hold that no home's DVD collection--and no one's childhood-- is complete without it, it is a supremely strange movie. Though it did give us a glimpse into what Michael Jackson's life would be like ten years before Michael Jackson was even born.


I just question some peoples' world view, I guess. Though some people are definitely more off than others.

This past week, as I was eating bags of day-after-Halloween-super-sale-candy, I saw at least two different videos on Facebook of people finding razor blades in their kids' candy. Who would do something like that? It just boggles my mind that there are people out there who go to all the trouble of unsealing individually wrapped candy, slipping razor blades (which they have been saving, presumably, for months to have enough) into the candy, sliding the candy back into their wrappers, and resealing them so that they can hurt children who they have probably never met and will never see again. WHY? You have to be one sick puppy.

I wonder what these peoples' reality is like, you know? It's like those people who think that Josh Hutcherson is more attractive than Liam Hemsworth. It's a Hemsworth, for Heaven's sake! Though I do feel badly for the third Hemsworth brother. On his own he's a reasonably attractive fella; but up next to his brothers he's markedly less attractive. And shorter.


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Idiosyncrasies

I love Aldi. For those who don't know, Aldi is a grocery store with crazy low prices. One of the ways they keep the prices down is that you have to put a quarter into a mechanism on the shopping carts to take them out of line. When you're done shopping, you put the cart back in line, chain it to the others by the mechanism, and reclaim your quarter. It works; there are never ever empty unattended carts in the Aldi parking lot.

I have a whole theory about this that I'm currently working on. Either, it restores my faith in humanity because we only need a very small incentive to do the right thing; or, it reinforces my negative perception of the human race because we will do anything to get back what belongs to us, even if what belongs to us is only worth 25 cents.

I'm an observer of humankind, you see. A student of humanity if you will. You would think I would understand them better after having been raised by them and living among them for so long. I find idiosyncrasies and quirks fascinating. So, for your reading pleasure, I have compiled a list of 13 things about me. Why 13? Because it's my blog and I can do whatever I feel like, that's why.

1. I would be crazy easy to stalk should someone feel inclined. This thought struck me yesterday morning as I was sitting in the same building I always sit in on Tuesday mornings, doing the same thing that I always do. I am a creature of habit. I do things a certain way, usually at a certain time, and therefore am highly stalkable. If the hypothetical stalker didn't die of boredom, anyways; highly probable.

2. I have an unnatural affinity for fake cheese. Not Velveeta, but Ritz bits and Cheetos. Can you imagine the pitch meeting for Cheetos? "Picture, if you will, packing peanuts, sprayed with cheese. But wait, wait! I haven't told you the best part: it's not real cheese. That's right, they're sprayed with cheese-like product." Then the makers would just pause and let that mind-bomb take effect. Obviously it was unanimously approved and we can now enjoy the product in a party sized bag of deliciousness; puffy or squookally variety.

3. I hate Remember the Titans. And all inspirational sports movies, if we're being real with each other; and I know we are. Except for The Blind Side. That biz is poignant. Michael never had a bed before Sandra Bullock gave him one!

4. I secretly want a pot-bellied pig. With the acreage we have, by our city's statutes, we could have two pot-bellied pigs.

5. I hate white chocolate. Unless it's on or in something I think is delicious, like strawberries or cookies. In that case, the deliciousness overpowers and cancels out the nasty.

6. I don't really like to talk but I have a lot to say. I'm really much more reserved by nature, but I'm really opinionated. I usually avoid speaking my mind on little things, like my dislike of white chocolate (which, by the way, shouldn't even be called chocolate; it's nothing more than a chocolate derivative. If you wouldn't feed derivatives to your dog, you probably shouldn't eat them yourself) because I don't want to offend or alienate people. This blog is an exception because, well, you can stop reading any time you want and be offended in private. We'll see how that goes when I'm old, cantankerous, and don't care about other people's feelings any more.

7. I put great stock in Briggs-Myers Tests. They're ridiculously accurate and, therefore, great for personal awareness. They pick up on little quirks in your personality that nobody else would know about; it's scary. If you've never taken one, I highly recommend it. Less than one percent of the population has my personality type. Find the one I took at the link above.

8. I'm a hard money kind of person. If I could feasibly carry around a brick of gold and pay my expenses that way, I'd be all over it. I can't think of a single country that's still on the gold standard, which is tragic. We need the gold and silver standard if we want a stable economy. That's not news to anyone with even a rudimentary knowledge of economics (like me). I just read an interesting article about it here.

9. I am a chronic procrastinator. Give me six weeks to do something and I will show you an all-nighter the day before it's due. This past week I had a Halloween party to go to on Wednesday night. I started working on the costumes that Monday. And we all looked fantastic. Maybe if it didn't work out for me once, I'd stop. I've been that way ever since elementary school, though. Everyone in my family, really, suffers from the same affliction; except my Mom. So, as my Dad says, at least I come by it honestly.

10. I feel like a have some sort of circadian rhythm disorder. Like a blind person. Sometimes, I wake up really early in the morning and am totally awake and ready to get up and start the day. Other days, I can sleep in until noon and still not be ready to get up. Certain nights I can't fall asleep at all, but then I'm fine in the morning. Clearly, my body is very confused.

11. I like knowing. Whether it's how to do something or how something works, I just like knowing. I like to know how to make things from scratch; I like knowing how to jump a car battery; I like knowing how to sew, knit, and crochet; I like knowing how football works. I'm naturally independent and I like to be self-reliant and self-sufficient; like a pioneer. If I had my pot-bellied pig and my brick of gold, I'd be really self-sufficient; like a pioneer.

12. I wish, with every fiber of my being, that I was ambidextrous. Enough said. It would just be undeniably rad.

13. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Let the children's laughter remind  us how we used to be.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Inconsistencies

You know what I hate? Inconsistencies.

Mostly in tv shows.

Like, remember how on Boy Meets World, Topanga was originally one of the weird kids in class?

Her relationship with Cory developed naturally over time.

First, she was weird:


Then she was less weird; then she was almost normal and they were friends:



Then they dated:


But on later episodes, everyone always said that Cory and Topanga had been together since they were two. FALSE. You can't fool me, ABC; I've watched this thing from the beginning.

Also, the other weird kid, Minkus, completely disappeared after, like, the second season. Though he did make a reappearance in a later episode right before graduation. And mentioned Mr. Turner, which made me very happy.

Shawn originally had an older sister named Stacey. She never appeared on screen, but on this episode...
...when Cory doesn't want his curly, Brillo pad hair, Shawn comes up with the solution because his sister uses a chemical straightener on her hair. When they leave the solution on little Cory's head and it starts tingling, Shawn calls his sister and asks if it's supposed to do that; she tells them they were only supposed to leave it on for 20 minutes. And voila:





Topanga also had an older sister during the first season--Nebbie (short for Nebula). She made a brief appearance on the episode where Topanga had a crush on Eric; Eric tried to let her down easy but failed miserably when her hot older sister showed up at the Matthews' house to pick up Topanga.


Also, remember when Topanga had three dads, and it wasn't progressive?:

The many faces of Jedidiah

I mean, the first one was Peter Tork, so I understand him only being a guest star on the one episode. But still.

And then there were her moms (still just inconsistent):

Remember when Morgan was this kid:
Before she disappeared for a season or two and then reappeared as this kid:





Speaking of disappearing kids-- Judy Winslow from Family Matters:

She just kind of went upstairs one day and never came back down. And whenever Harriet and Carl were having a Proud Parent Moment, they would always refer to their "two great kids." I guess she just couldn't bring it next to Urkel. But don't worry about Jaimee Foxworth. I heard somewhere that she got involved in a lucrative career in the adult entertainment business.

Also, am I the only one who remembers Chuck from Happy Days?

This was almost a write-off, which is what my nit-picky soul craves from a cast change on a tv show.

He went off to college and-- for a while at least-- every once in a while, he would send home a letter; but eventually the letters stopped and Fonzie became the Cunningham's oldest son (if only adoptive).

I could go on and on.... but the longer this post gets, the more pathetic I seem.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Memoirs of a Sunday

Because the entire police force of my small town has nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon than set up a speed trap on a back road that has a ridiculous speed limit, I got a ticket today. Also because I was going 37 in a 25 zone. What can I say? I have a lead foot; I had been out late last night; I had to get up early this morning for church, where I spent two hours making sure that 15 children between the ages of 18 months and 3 years old didn't kill each other before their parents came to pick them up; I also needed to make an apple pie for dessert.

But I also needed a nap. I figured that I could make the pie fairly quickly and still have a little time left before my brother and his family came. So, after church, I took the back way home-- a route that usually takes about 2 minutes less than the conventional way. Unless every police officer in town decides to set up a sting operation; then it takes 20 minutes more than the conventional way.

About a block away from the turn-off to the turn-off to my street, I was directed to a side road, through the parking lot of the high school and right back up the side road in the opposite direction.

I was fourth or fifth in line for my accounting. By the time they got to me [for having every cop in the city there, you would think they would be more efficient with their process], I was almost nodding off at the wheel.

"Did you know it's 25 along this road?" the officer asked me when I had finally cranked the driver's side window down.

"I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that it was a lower speed along here," I answered, using my arm to prop up my head and looking at the tiny me reflected in his sunglasses. "But I honestly wasn't paying attention to how fast I was going." Also, that's a stupid speed for a back road on a Sunday, I added mentally.

It was true-- I hadn't even glanced at my speedometer since pulling out of the church parking lot.

After approximately 10 minutes of looking through the tiny glove box to find the truck's registration (I finally just gave the dude one of the insurance cards, of which there were copious amounts), and another fifteen minutes of processing (how hard is it to write all that biz down? It was long enough that I finally found the registration), and a five minute lecture on the anatomy of a ticket (not my first time, pal) and on how I would have gotten a non-moving violation for not having my registration handy* (it's not my truck, guy; who knows where my Dad put that thing?) I was free to go.

[*Side-bar: This is a ridiculous rule. A ticket for not being able to produce a vehicle's registration in a timely manner? I can see you're really pressed for time. All thirty of you! And obviously you don't want to be here-- you just set up a speed trap as a public service, not because you have some sort of quota to fill. And this official documentation that you want me to produce (in a timely manner) doesn't even have to say that the vehicle belongs to me-- just that it belongs to someone. The whole thing is outrageous, really.]

I've been stewing about this for hours now. I can take my medicine-- I broke the rule; I'll take my punishment now--but speed traps annoy the crap out of me. You have nothing better to do with your time and resources than pull people over for speeding on a road with no one on it. I'm not being a danger to anyone; I'm not being a danger to myself. I'm not infringing upon anyone else's rights, which is-- honestly and truly-- the reason we have and enforce laws in the first place: to protect the rights of the people.

As I pulled away from the encounter, at a reasonable 40 miles per hour,
"But didn't you learn your lesson?"
"NOPE! HAHAHA!"
the thought crossed my mind that I wasn't sorry I had broken the law; I was sorry I had gotten caught.

Which isn't godly sorrow.

I didn't want to change; I wanted the rules to change. It's a curious and universal truth: when we've been wronged, we want justice; when we're in the wrong, we want mercy.


Saturday, October 11, 2014

Why They Would Have Gotten Away With It...

I watched an episode* from the first season of Scooby Doo this week.


 In this particular episode, we find Scooby and the gang on their way to Franken Castle (the only castle ever transported stone-by-stone from Transylvania, don't cha know), when they decide to stop off and have their fortunes told by a gypsy woman who happens to have set up shop on the side of the road. She foretells their doom should they go to the castle.


 Being that fortune-telling is all nonsense anyways, the kids continue on their way and arrive at the castle, where they are met by Dracula, Frankenstein's monster, and the Wolfman (in that order).

Obviously something is going on at Franken Castle, so the gang investigates. Somehow during the hijinks and clue-gathering, Daphne (as Daphne is wont to do) ends up in the dungeon, where she happens upon a message written in 1668, which reads: "I've fooled them all, I may perish, but I'll be as rich as KING TUT!" (The awful punctuation almost killed me to write; but that's what it looks like in the episode; and I am nothing if not accurate).

This clue leads the gang inexorably to the Franken family crypt, where they are able to find more clues, all of which point to-- who else?-- the gypsy woman. The rest of the episode is pretty pat: they pay another visit to the gypsy, discover more damning evidence linking her to the castle/crime scene; she makes a break for it; Scooby gives chase and apprehends her just in time for local law enforcement to arrive and finger the gypsy woman as Big Bob Oakley, aka "The Actor", wanted in seven states. Big Bob and the evidence is taken into custody and the gang celebrates nailing that perp with a picnic supper on the castle grounds.

I actually had to re-watch this episode to figure out how they figured it out. Not because it was a fast-paced, penetratingly observant deductive process, but because I was stuck on the message that Daphne found etched into the dungeon wall.

Let me take you through my process:

King Tutankhamun only ruled for nine years before dying mysteriously, leaving no heirs. He was a minor pharaoh. So minor, in fact, that, after he died, everyone forgot about him until Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon discovered his largely untouched tomb in the 1920's. 

The reason Tut is so famous nowadays, ironically, is because he was so un-famous in his own day; because he was mostly forgotten until the early 20th century, no one thought to rob his tomb, leaving it almost perfectly intact for Carter and his team to discover. King Tut's tomb was really the first tomb of an ancient Egyptian king that was discovered by archeologists before it was discovered by grave-robbers, giving modern researchers their first glimpse into what kind of treasure these people were buried with (if they were important people).

My point? NO ONE would have known about King Tut in the 17th century-- no one. And if they did, they certainly wouldn't have referred to him as "King Tut" instead of King Tutankhamun.

I immediately deemed that clue as fake; a pitifully concocted piece of evidence to throw people off the criminal's (or criminals') real scent. 

Fred and the rest of gang were able to take the message, a few precious gemstones, and a golden earring (not to be confused with any of these guys)...
 ...and connect it back to a hardened criminal on the lam, then bring said criminal to justice-- all within the last fifteen minutes of the episode. 

Big Bob didn't get away with it, thanks to those meddling kids.

Now for the tragic part of this post:

If I had been working that case, I would have never bagged Big Bob Oakley and he would probably still be at large. He would have gotten away with it because I'm not a meddling kid. 

I could never be an ace sleuth because I get caught up in the minutia of whether or not a clue can be considered a clue if it's historically inaccurate. 

And also because I watch syndicated animated television shows from over 40 years ago while real crimes are being committed.



*If you're interested (and I know you are) the full episode can be found here.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Of Melting Faces and Divine Potential

I'm constantly struck by the singularity of individuals. I mean, there are certain people who use the words "awkward" and "random" to excess; or who say "amazing" to describe everything until the word no longer has meaning. Some people are all about mustaches of the handlebar variety (can we stop with that already?); some get crazy with the emoticons (on the interweb computer system [Please read in George Costanza's mother's voice]).

Where was I going with this before I started making fun of hipsters?

Oh, yeah-- individuality.

***SPOILER ALERT***
Though, to be fair, the movies discussed have been available for private use for some time. Also, if you've never seen them THIS LATE IN THE GAME, you can't have had any semblance of a decent childhood/young adulthood, depending, of course, on how old you are.

Last weekend my nieces came over. They wanted to watch a movie. The Bug had picked out Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. As I wondered why we even own this movie (I guess to complete our set...), I steered her towards the much more quintessential-- and much more palatable-- Raiders of the Lost Ark. She asked me if there were any scary parts.



We had previously viewed The Temple of Doom and I think she was worried about a similar experience.

During that movie, the Bug had an episode: squealing and writhing, almost as if in pain, and-- at one point-- leaving the room for the safe haven of Grandma's bedroom.

Lest you think I'm a horrible person and even worse aunt, none of this happened during the part you're thinking; the scene pictured above.

Remember the part where Short Round and Indy find the secret passage in Willie's room and follow the tunnel deep under the palace to the catacombs, until they accidentally get trapped in the room with the collapsing ceiling studded with spikes?

You may or may not remember that the tunnel was no ordinary tunnel; no sir. It was a tunnel filled with large, crawly bugs.

It is these bugs that Willie has to slog through in order to pull the lever-- the chamber of which is likewise full of many-legged insects-- in order to open the door to the room and rescue Indy and his side-kick.

This whole two minute sequence was WAY too much for the Bug to handle (she's six). I didn't think she would have a problem with it. She watches Shark Week and River Monsters with genuine excitement and glee. Glee, I say!

All of this notwithstanding, I think her trust in me was so shaken that when the part I was initially concerned about her watching came on (the heart-ripping, sacrifice to Kali scene), she immediately booked it into Grandma's room. She could just tell it was coming and she ran.

There was also a moment of panic when she witnessed the child slavery. ("WHAT ARE THEY DOING??!!!"; but she had a comparable experience while watching Joe Pesci pull a gun on Macaulay Culkin in Central Park in Home Alone II, so I really should have seen that one coming.)

Her four-year-old sister, the Bean, on the other hand, watched the entire movie, start to finish, from the same spot on the couch, her face impassive.

"Are you okay, baby?" I kept asking her. She barely moved her field of vision from the screen to nod her head and grunt, "Mmhmm."

So when the time came to watch Raiders, I knew I needed to think a little harder about what the Bug might possibly consider "scary".

After giving it due consideration, I answered, "There's one part at the end that you might think is scary. Just close your eyes when he tells Marion to close her eyes."


"Who's Marion?"

"Just his girlfriend in this movie."

Satisfied, she skipped to the Blu-ray player and started the movie.

They kept asking me about "Mary"-- "When is Mary gonna be on?"; "What is Mary doing?"

I reminded them that her name is "Marion", and told them to "Just keep watching; you'll see later."

The whole thing went off without a hitch and, finally, we were at the end of the movie.

When the time came, Bug clapped her hands over the top half of her face and said, "COVER YOUR EYES, SISSY!"

Bean remained as she was, eyes fixed on the screen. The Bug kept urging her every few seconds to cover her eyes as she peeked through her own fingers.

The only change in the Bean was that she uttered a "HA HA!" as Arnold Toht's face melted off. The sort of mean, teasing "ha ha" that has the same cadence and modulation as "Na na nuh boo boo" (a taunt that the Bug insisted was, "Na na nuh goo goo" until fairly recently; but that's a story for another day). I didn't have a problem with that. The guy was a Nazi.

It hit me then, and a few times since, how very unique and individual we all are-- in our circumstances, experiences, and reactions. And it starts so young. The girls' eight month old sister, Baby V, is already starting to exhibit her own preferences, characteristics, and mannerisms-- mostly sassy (why is it we only get the sassy ones in our family?). Eight months isn't a long time in which to develop all of those things.

That's how I know that there's more to us than just this life. We were definitely around before; and if that's the case (which it is), we will definitely be around when our life here is over. We are eternal beings, with the opportunity to progress eternally. There is so much more to us than here and now. While our circumstances and experiences here contribute to our whole selves, I know that this life is not the beginning of who we are, nor is it the end.

As we learn to recognize, and be more cognizant of this fact on a regular basis, the less frustrating this mortal experience will be and the more we'll be able to gain from it.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Trends I'm (Almost) Violently Opposed To...

A Public Service Announcement to Keep These Clothes Off the Streets--And Your Body

I was just online shopping and the horrors of some current trends have taken their toll on me emotionally and psychologically yet again. There are certain things that are happening on the fashion scene right now that I am just not for. While this is by no means an exhaustive list, I need to get this off my chest because in sharing my emotional pain with others, I feel that mine is somehow lessened. Also, anything I can do or say, however small, to mitigate the pandemic of these atrocities is well worth the effort it might cost me.

Harem Pants


  Why would you ever want to wear a pair of pants that didn't coincide with your anatomical crotch? Bad idea, bad idea, BAD IDEA.

Sheer Clothing

I think what bothers me the most about this trend is how straightforward it isn't. Why not just walk around in your unmentionables straight-up instead of obscuring them with such obstrusive fabrics as tulle and chiffon? Let it ALL hang out! Leave nothing to the imagination. Or better yet, why don't we all just walk around naked instead?
No, no, NO. Why has it become acceptable to look like a lady of the evening-- in the day time? No; sorry, no-- pass on the stripper "chic". For the love of Mike, PASS.

Overalls

You would be hard-pressed to find a garment as versatile as the denim overall. Yes, from the farm to the urban jungle; from day to evening; from mucking out horse stalls to vamping it up on the streets of NYC...
There are many, MANY alternatives to the overalls. Don't go there. Please. I beg of you. On my knees.

Jumpsuits

Kind of in the same vein as the overalls when it comes to versatility, but with a few added bonuses. For day; for evening; for running around town; for when you feel like resembling a mechanic; for when you just want to take an extra seven minutes going to the bathroom-- the jumpsuit has got you covered. Literally. Head to toe. DON'T. DO. IT.

I know that if we, individually, stand up for what we believe in-- flattering, classy clothes that cover our undergarments, show that our body parts are where they are supposed to be, and cut down on the time we spend in the bathroom-- we can stop this problem before it spreads any further. With your help, these clothes can be off our streets and, more importantly, off our bodies.